My Biggest Failure As a Mom

Story time!

I have had many failures as a mom. Like I said in my previous post, this job, motherhood, is, unfortunately, a job we as women go into with no prior training or experience. There is one major failure that comes to mind though, and it breaks my heart every time I think about it.

To preface this, I do need to explain that my baby boy has a skin condition called eczema. I’m sure most of you mamas have heard of it, but if you haven’t, Oxford defines it as “a medical condition in which patches of skin become rough and inflamed with blisters that cause itching and bleeding, sometimes resulting from a reaction to irritation (eczematous dermatitis) but more typically having no obvious external cause.” My son has eczema all over. It’s not just patches of his skin. It’s all of his skin from the cuticles of his toenails to his scalp.



Anyway, one of the biggest factors or I should say irritants of eczema is allergies. If a child has eczema, that child is going to be allergic to some things (maybe a lot of things). Sometimes there are things in the air that you can’t do anything about. Sometimes, dandur left from animal fur even when the animal isn’t there can set off a reaction. Sometimes there is absolutely nothing that you can see that happened to cause a reaction, but there your baby is scratching off the first three layers of skin like he’s immune to the pain.

When my son was in the midst of his struggle with eczema, I, like every other mom that has to deal with this kind of thing, was trying to find everything I could that could help him. I tried lotions, gels, creams, soaps, baths in spring water instead of tap water, and something that was honey based. I spent SO MUCH money on all these products that claimed they helped relieve eczema and none of them worked. Not one.

Because I was tired of spending, spending, and spending some more, I decided to research natural oils and plants that are good for inflammation, dry skin, and eczema, and make a sort of oil blend for him. So I spent even more money on natural oils like almond oil and argan oil. I used raw aloe vera pulp which is supposed to help a lot and a lot of other things. I put it all in a jar and lathered it over him every single night after a bath and every morning after he woke up.

Hopelessly, I continued to watch his skin split open and bleed everywhere. I continued to cradle him to me as he cried all day in agony. Despite all of my efforts, it seemed like nothing that I was doing was working for him, and I felt like my heart was breaking and my mind was snapping more and more every day.

       

I knew I needed an allergist to test him so that I could know for sure what he was allergic too. And most of all, I needed a dermatologist to save my baby.

At this point, I was calling his pediatrician’s office every single day. I don’t know if it’s the same for you guys, but here where I live, you have to have a referral from a pediatrician in order to get an appointment with a dermatologist and an allergist. His pediatrician was standing directly in my way to finding my baby help. They refused to help me. They had every excuse in the book. The fax machine went down when they were trying to fax over the referral. The woman that usually handles that wasn’t there that day. Oh, we’re so sorry; we sent the referral to the wrong dermatologist. The fax machine went down again. I wanted to burn that place to the ground.

Finally after much begging on my end, my son’s dermatologist agreed to an appointment. She bent the rules for him and accepted him without a referral from his pediatrician. When she saw him, she just took a moment to comfort him. She was horrified that his skin was in the shape that it was in. She explained to me that he was in a lot of pain which I kind of guessed but I didn’t know for sure. She told me what eczema actually is and how it works, and then she asked if she could keep him in the hospital overnight to get it under control. She said he wasn’t safe in his condition and that they needed to stabilize this as soon as possible.

I knew he was bad off, but I didn’t know he was that bad off. I guess his hair falling out and his weight loss should have told me something. Funny how he didn’t miss a single appointment with his pediatrician, and she never said anything about his condition. I hate that place if you can’t tell.

Anyway, I knew my baby. He was only one. He would be terrified to be in a big hospital with all of those strangers without me. He wouldn’t understand that it was to help him. He would just be so afraid. I asked his dermatologist if I could do what she was going to do for him at home. She said I could, but she really wanted to keep him. I guess she was worried I wouldn’t do a good job. I told her to tell me what to do and that I’d be taking him home.

She put him on a very strong steroid initially. Within the span of a couple of days, he looked like a new baby. After that, she put him on a safer, more stable steroid and told me to use the stronger one on the problem areas that were more resistant, like his hands and his feet. To me, this woman was an angel sent from a very merciful God. I wanted to cry and scream and cry some more. I couldn’t thank her enough. My baby looked like a different child. He looked like the baby I gave birth to and not like the sickly child he’d become. I could scream my joy and relief from the rooftops.

Before dermatologist. After first appointment. The shine is back and he’s smiling for the first time in weeks.

She stressed how important an allergy test was, which is when I told her how crappy his pediatrician was. After that, she got me the referral, and he went to see the allergist that next week. I was horrified with the results. My son was and is allergic to eggs, all dairy including butter, all seafood, all nuts including tree nuts and peanuts, dogs and cats, basically everything.

I thought about everything that I’d been giving him to eat. I LOVE butter. I loved to cook with it. I loved the flavor of it, and I used it a lot. When my baby was very young, I saw that he was allergic to milk. I substituted with almond milk, and I’d just found out he was allergic to that too. Every substitution I was making for what I thought was better for him was actually directly perpetrating his misery.

Even down to the oil blends I was making for him. I was using almond oil. I was using argan oil which is a tree nut. I was using shea butter and shea nut oil which is a tree nut. I was using black soap at one point because it’s supposed to be soooo good for eczema, but one of the ingredients is shea butter. All of the pains I was going through to help him were actually hurting him and hurting him and hurting him some more. I have never felt like a bigger failure.

I keep remembering the squirming. He could never sit still. I keep remembering the fluid that leaked out of his skin all day every day. It wasn’t blood. It was a clear fluid with a very faint odor, and it leaked from everywhere. I keep seeing him on that one morning when he was scratching his face so badly that that fluid caked all over his face. It looked like someone got a jar of vaseline and lathered it over his face as thick as they could get it. I looked at him in that moment and burst out crying. I’ve never felt so helpless and so lost in my life.

It’s crazy how I was doing so much to try and help him, and he would’ve been better off if I hadn’t done anything at all. That is my biggest mom fail. My son was suffering because I was ignorant of a few things. Every time I think about it, it makes me sick to my stomach. He’s healthy now though, thank God. He’s gained his weight back. His skin has cleared and shines. He has a head full of hair that grows back in way too fast even though I try to keep it cut low. He’s happy and playful and perfect. I’m so thankful for his dermatologist and everything she did for us. She probably doesn’t even know how much.

  

My happy little man now

Those were dark days, but they’re over. I know so much more now, and I’m still learning more everyday. I try not to be too hard on myself with this failure, but it’s hard watching your child suffer in such a way. I just hate that I ever had anything to do with making his suffering worse.

If you’re still here and you read all of that, you a real one girl. Thanks so much for stopping by and hanging out with me for a moment. I hope my biggest mom fail makes you feel better about yours if you have one. Let me know in the comments. Follow me on Instagram and Twitter and have yourself a lovely day.