10 Signs You've made it to the Dreadful Third Trimester
Pregnancy is one of the most awe-inspiring and miraculous processes in the world. You go from two (you and your partner) to three in a matter of days, and it all happens so easily during one of the most pleasureable acts in the world. When you look down at those two lines or that plus sign on the pregnancy test and gasp with happiness (or sigh with disappointment in my case), you're so thrilled and excited about what's to come. You're grinning and glowing. Maybe you thought of some sweet way to surprise your partner with the wonderful (or not so wonderful... just kidding... or am I?) news, and he's exhilarated. Mine was in any case.
You silly girl. You have no idea what you've gotten yourself into. Everything is wonderful up until about week 7-9. Bad things start happening to you. Sickness, fainting spells, nausea, sudden food aversions (foods that you know for a fact you LOVE!), and so on. And then you decide maybe you don't wanna share your body like you thought you did for the next seven or eight months or so.
It doesn't take new mommies long to realize pregnancy sucks. Pregnancy is literally accepting the fact that you're about to be extremely uncomfortable for the next nine (possibly ten) months of your life. But guess what? You're almost done! You've made it to the third trimester. Freedom is near! Well freedom for your body, anyway, not for you dear. You are two thirds of the way to pushing out that amazing little miracle that NEVER stops wiggling around inside of you. Here's 10 ways to be sure you're there, though, just in case there's any confusion.
1: Comfort
You have abandoned any sense of propriety and care only about comfortablilty. So yeah, those pants that you knew you couldn't really fit anymore but forced on anyway because you're in denial are getting unbuttoned at the table in the restaurant as soon as you finish eating. You know why? Because the button is cutting into your belly, and you're not ready for an early mini c-section from that button.
Those sweats you swore you'd never actually wear out in public are getting put on, because guess what? You have to go to the grocery store because you need milk and cereal. You're craving cap'n crunch even though you have never liked cap'n crunch and don't have any in the house. Your partner is, unfortunately, at work because it's 2 p.m. otherwise you would've sent him. And let's be honest. Those sweats are probably the only thing you can fit anyway. That grocery store is lucky you're even willing to put on pants for this madness.
Brushing your hair? What is that? What do those words mean? Messy bun is your life now. Accept it.
2: Back Pain (no not the back pain you thought you felt in the first and second trimesters)
Two little elf midgets have climbed through your ears and dropped all the way down to your lower back. They're making a job out of snatching and ripping at the chords in your back so that every step you take and every twist and turn you make feels like you're recovering from back surgery. Oh lets not forget the extra weight of your enormous boobs causing your upper back to feel like it's always dying. Yep, you've become an old hunchback woman, or at least that's what you feel like. I know you thought lying down in bed would help. So did I. It doesn't. It just doesn't.
3: Stretch Marks
Well, there they are... and they seem to have just popped out of nowhere. I know you thought that since you'd made it to 26 weeks without a single mark, you probably were just gonna be one of the lucky women that doesn't get them. Sike! Don't you just love how that works?
They're there and becoming more and more prominent each day. That's not really the problem though. You know that stretch marks are apart of life. Plus you've read like a lot of articles and blogs about loving your body and women empowerment and yada yada yada. You know that your stretch marks are proof that you've accomplished one of the most amazing things in the world and one of the only things a man can't do and probably couldn't handle if he could. You probably smiled a little when you saw them.
The problem, the one that no one really warns you about, is they itch like hell! You hear so many things about the symptoms and changes that you experience during pregnancy. Seriously, it seems like everyone has something to say about your baby and your body. So of course it boggles your mind that no one thought to mention how bad these mofo stretch marks itch. Oh but people are quick to tell you not to scratch them, because of course, that makes them so much worse. So you have to just sit there, while your stomach is on fire.
4: Insomnia
Who needs sleep, right? I love being tired. You love being tired. We all love being tired. Maybe that's why you drudge through your entire day miserable and fantasizing about the moment you get to lay in bed and sleep only to get there and stare at the wall hatefully. Don't worry. You're not alone. Your sweet angel is awake with you to kick the crap out of your ribs and sides and everywhere else. There will be a moment when you glance over at your partner, who is soundly asleep, and feel a hatred so intense that you wanna smack them out of the bed. You'll think things like, "Is he really asleep, right now? Really?" and "I don't understand why he gets to sleep all peacefully when he's the one that put the baby in here. He should be awake and suffering too, damn it!" It's okay. Those things are normal. Just don't smack him, okay?
5: Leg Cramps
What better way to wake up in the morning than with a good ol' charlie horse (that is if you ever actually get to sleep)? I can't think of one. Can you? No one even likes alarm clocks. It's so funny how it happens. One minute you're dreaming, the next easing out of sleep and stretching your legs as you do so. Then comes the panic as you've realized your mistake. Oh and the pain is so intense, and it feels like it lasts forever. It's okay though. Your partner is there next to you, and the way he wakes up yawning with a big smile on his face from the great night of sleep he's had will make you feel so much better. The forehead kiss you get as the pain is receding is like the cherry on top of the sunday. Yay pregnancy!
6: Comments
People are wonderful. They say the sweetest and most considerate things, especially to pregnant women. I've heard so many nice things during my pregnancy, but my favorite ones have been during my third trimester.
"Wow, what are you feeding that thing in there? It just keeps getting bigger and bigger." It's hard to beat that one, but, surprisingly, I have more.
"When is your baby due? You have that much longer?! My God, you're already so big! Imagine how big you're going to be!"
"Hey baby, do you need a man to help you take care of that baby?"
"You look like you're about to pop!" I was only seven months. How flattering, right?
"Oh Girl, those titties just keep getting bigger and bigger, don't they?" This was followed by a creepy smile and a wink.
So many nice comments.
7: Increased Appetite
It's crazy how ravenous you feel all the time. You never thought you could ever be this hungry. When you sit down to eat, you make sure you have an ample amount of food to match your appetite and can only finish a third of it. You're so hungry and have no where to put the food. Now, I'll be the first to let you know that I've already tried talking to my baby to try and get him to scoot over a little to make room. It doesn't work. Don't even waste your breath. That baby's not going to give an inch.
8: Bladder Control (or lack thereof)
You've peed yourself. Nope, not the little leaks that you get when you're unbuttoning your pants to pee and can barely hold it anymore. I mean PEE. Full blown flow. Yep. That happened. Luckily, you were wearing black leggings, so, after you soaked up the mess with tiolet paper, you were at least able to leave the rest room with a little dignity. This time you just didn't make it. Sigh.
9: Leaky Breasts
Don't worry if your breasts haven't started leaking yet. They will, and it'll be at the most convenient time and place. You know, like when you're in the grocery line checking out, wearing that comfortable gray t-shirt that you stole from your partner. As if the size of your monster boobs didn't draw enough attention. You'll get a couple of sympathetic frowns from fellow women who have been in the same position, but mostly looks of disgust. Chin up, buttercup.
10: Pregnancy Brain
Somehow pregnancy brain gets worse in the third trimester. You go from simply forgetting where you placed your phone or keys, to literally forgetting your entire thought process. Not just a sentence or two. Everything that you said before and whatever you're talking about now. It feels like a fog or something is swarming around your brain, and you just can't peer through it. You can't remember the right words to form sentences, therefore, you can't make a decent argument in a meeting or in class. You feel like an idiot all the time. You never remember where you're going, and if you do, sometimes, you forget how to get there. Hell, there was one time your banker asked you for your social security number, the one you've been using since forever, and your mouth just hung open. Blank stares were all you had to offer that poor banker.
There are so many other horrible third trimester symptoms like hymrroids, braxton-hix contractions, crazy vivid dreams, heartburn, constipation, and so on. So shout out to all my fellow preggers. We are amazing.
You silly girl. You have no idea what you've gotten yourself into. Everything is wonderful up until about week 7-9. Bad things start happening to you. Sickness, fainting spells, nausea, sudden food aversions (foods that you know for a fact you LOVE!), and so on. And then you decide maybe you don't wanna share your body like you thought you did for the next seven or eight months or so.
It doesn't take new mommies long to realize pregnancy sucks. Pregnancy is literally accepting the fact that you're about to be extremely uncomfortable for the next nine (possibly ten) months of your life. But guess what? You're almost done! You've made it to the third trimester. Freedom is near! Well freedom for your body, anyway, not for you dear. You are two thirds of the way to pushing out that amazing little miracle that NEVER stops wiggling around inside of you. Here's 10 ways to be sure you're there, though, just in case there's any confusion.
1: Comfort
You have abandoned any sense of propriety and care only about comfortablilty. So yeah, those pants that you knew you couldn't really fit anymore but forced on anyway because you're in denial are getting unbuttoned at the table in the restaurant as soon as you finish eating. You know why? Because the button is cutting into your belly, and you're not ready for an early mini c-section from that button.
Those sweats you swore you'd never actually wear out in public are getting put on, because guess what? You have to go to the grocery store because you need milk and cereal. You're craving cap'n crunch even though you have never liked cap'n crunch and don't have any in the house. Your partner is, unfortunately, at work because it's 2 p.m. otherwise you would've sent him. And let's be honest. Those sweats are probably the only thing you can fit anyway. That grocery store is lucky you're even willing to put on pants for this madness.
Brushing your hair? What is that? What do those words mean? Messy bun is your life now. Accept it.
2: Back Pain (no not the back pain you thought you felt in the first and second trimesters)
Two little elf midgets have climbed through your ears and dropped all the way down to your lower back. They're making a job out of snatching and ripping at the chords in your back so that every step you take and every twist and turn you make feels like you're recovering from back surgery. Oh lets not forget the extra weight of your enormous boobs causing your upper back to feel like it's always dying. Yep, you've become an old hunchback woman, or at least that's what you feel like. I know you thought lying down in bed would help. So did I. It doesn't. It just doesn't.
3: Stretch Marks
Well, there they are... and they seem to have just popped out of nowhere. I know you thought that since you'd made it to 26 weeks without a single mark, you probably were just gonna be one of the lucky women that doesn't get them. Sike! Don't you just love how that works?
They're there and becoming more and more prominent each day. That's not really the problem though. You know that stretch marks are apart of life. Plus you've read like a lot of articles and blogs about loving your body and women empowerment and yada yada yada. You know that your stretch marks are proof that you've accomplished one of the most amazing things in the world and one of the only things a man can't do and probably couldn't handle if he could. You probably smiled a little when you saw them.
The problem, the one that no one really warns you about, is they itch like hell! You hear so many things about the symptoms and changes that you experience during pregnancy. Seriously, it seems like everyone has something to say about your baby and your body. So of course it boggles your mind that no one thought to mention how bad these mofo stretch marks itch. Oh but people are quick to tell you not to scratch them, because of course, that makes them so much worse. So you have to just sit there, while your stomach is on fire.
4: Insomnia
Who needs sleep, right? I love being tired. You love being tired. We all love being tired. Maybe that's why you drudge through your entire day miserable and fantasizing about the moment you get to lay in bed and sleep only to get there and stare at the wall hatefully. Don't worry. You're not alone. Your sweet angel is awake with you to kick the crap out of your ribs and sides and everywhere else. There will be a moment when you glance over at your partner, who is soundly asleep, and feel a hatred so intense that you wanna smack them out of the bed. You'll think things like, "Is he really asleep, right now? Really?" and "I don't understand why he gets to sleep all peacefully when he's the one that put the baby in here. He should be awake and suffering too, damn it!" It's okay. Those things are normal. Just don't smack him, okay?
5: Leg Cramps
What better way to wake up in the morning than with a good ol' charlie horse (that is if you ever actually get to sleep)? I can't think of one. Can you? No one even likes alarm clocks. It's so funny how it happens. One minute you're dreaming, the next easing out of sleep and stretching your legs as you do so. Then comes the panic as you've realized your mistake. Oh and the pain is so intense, and it feels like it lasts forever. It's okay though. Your partner is there next to you, and the way he wakes up yawning with a big smile on his face from the great night of sleep he's had will make you feel so much better. The forehead kiss you get as the pain is receding is like the cherry on top of the sunday. Yay pregnancy!
6: Comments
People are wonderful. They say the sweetest and most considerate things, especially to pregnant women. I've heard so many nice things during my pregnancy, but my favorite ones have been during my third trimester.
"Wow, what are you feeding that thing in there? It just keeps getting bigger and bigger." It's hard to beat that one, but, surprisingly, I have more.
"When is your baby due? You have that much longer?! My God, you're already so big! Imagine how big you're going to be!"
"Hey baby, do you need a man to help you take care of that baby?"
"You look like you're about to pop!" I was only seven months. How flattering, right?
"Oh Girl, those titties just keep getting bigger and bigger, don't they?" This was followed by a creepy smile and a wink.
So many nice comments.
7: Increased Appetite
It's crazy how ravenous you feel all the time. You never thought you could ever be this hungry. When you sit down to eat, you make sure you have an ample amount of food to match your appetite and can only finish a third of it. You're so hungry and have no where to put the food. Now, I'll be the first to let you know that I've already tried talking to my baby to try and get him to scoot over a little to make room. It doesn't work. Don't even waste your breath. That baby's not going to give an inch.8: Bladder Control (or lack thereof)
You've peed yourself. Nope, not the little leaks that you get when you're unbuttoning your pants to pee and can barely hold it anymore. I mean PEE. Full blown flow. Yep. That happened. Luckily, you were wearing black leggings, so, after you soaked up the mess with tiolet paper, you were at least able to leave the rest room with a little dignity. This time you just didn't make it. Sigh.
9: Leaky Breasts
Don't worry if your breasts haven't started leaking yet. They will, and it'll be at the most convenient time and place. You know, like when you're in the grocery line checking out, wearing that comfortable gray t-shirt that you stole from your partner. As if the size of your monster boobs didn't draw enough attention. You'll get a couple of sympathetic frowns from fellow women who have been in the same position, but mostly looks of disgust. Chin up, buttercup.
10: Pregnancy Brain
Somehow pregnancy brain gets worse in the third trimester. You go from simply forgetting where you placed your phone or keys, to literally forgetting your entire thought process. Not just a sentence or two. Everything that you said before and whatever you're talking about now. It feels like a fog or something is swarming around your brain, and you just can't peer through it. You can't remember the right words to form sentences, therefore, you can't make a decent argument in a meeting or in class. You feel like an idiot all the time. You never remember where you're going, and if you do, sometimes, you forget how to get there. Hell, there was one time your banker asked you for your social security number, the one you've been using since forever, and your mouth just hung open. Blank stares were all you had to offer that poor banker.
There are so many other horrible third trimester symptoms like hymrroids, braxton-hix contractions, crazy vivid dreams, heartburn, constipation, and so on. So shout out to all my fellow preggers. We are amazing.
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